The Life
by lovelyseven
Summary: Did you ever think that maybe there was more to Rachel than met the eye? A reason for the way she was perhaps? Could there even be 'gasp' character depth to her? Chapter 10 up! COMPLETE.
1. and I don't want the world to see me

**A/N: So basically, this is my first fic, it's my take on Rachel and the reasons why she is the way she is. I didn't like the whole "she's not just a stupid blonde, she's so much more" yet she's still quite shallow: she's a fighting machine that's all there is to it, so I have decided to give her some actual depth. You also get to find out about her past. This story takes place before the end of the war, but later in the series. Warning: Rachel angst.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rachel, or any of the other Animorphs, Animorphs related characters, species etc., etc. They belong to K. A. Applegate. Neither do I own the song Iris, which is owned by the Goo Goo Dolls.**

Chapter 1. and I don't want the world to see me . . .

" _. . . And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand . . ."_

The song played on the radio as I waited for him to show up, and I thought, _you can say that again_. That one line pretty much summed up my life. It also reminded me of that night. When Tobias and I were at the school dance, when he almost got trapped as a human. It was the last song we got to dance to before he had to go. He left just before the song ended, leaving me to listen to the last few lines of _"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"_ before I ran out after him. Watching him leave, and listening to those words, made me feel utterly pathetic. I wanted him to stay so badly . . . I wonder sometimes exactly why I ran after him, if I really thought he might stay if I asked him, or to make sure he got out okay. Then there's the conversation we had . . . "_I'm not just a warrior, I'm a girl. I'm trying not to be dragged off the cliff, away from all normalcy, into this insane life we live. I don't like what it does to me, Tobias . . ."_

In that one moment, I almost told him everything, about why I am the way I am, how I'm not really the way I seem. Almost told him how much of everything I hated, how much of everything was a brave face, a front, an act. And I _wanted _to tell him. I love Tobias. It's taken me a long time to admit it to myself, and I know it'll take me a long time still to be able to tell him that. If I ever did choose to tell someone, it would be Tobias.

I heard the flap of wings outside my window, and a familiar ((Hi, Rachel)). I sat up on my bed, turned the radio off, and smiled at him, that-everything's-fine-with-me million-dollar smile.

"Hi Tobias."

He glided through the window and perched on my desk. ((No homework tonight?))

I smiled to myself; Tobias probably supplied the answers to more of my homework than I did. "No, I thought maybe we could just talk or something." _Though let's not talk too much _I thought. "You could morph human", I tried to say it offhandedly, like I didn't care, but he knows me too well, he knows I do care. He sighed, _that doesn't mean he's above letting me know what he thinks_, but hopped off my desk and began to morph. I smiled again, for real this time, and went to dig out his clothes from my closet.

I shifted some boxes around, trying to find his clothes. I reached up and felt around on the top shelf, _where are those clothes? _Aha! Clothes. I pulled them down with one hand, my other hand hitting something else, and it fell down beside me. I looked down, and I froze. A photo album. A very particular photo album, yellow and blue with big, childish daisies painted on it. I dropped the clothes, dropped to my knees, and snatched it up with trembling hands. _It's been how long?_ Yet I already knew the answer. Five years. I hadn't seen this photo album since we'd moved here. Five years ago. So much happened then, so much that affected everything- the way I am, the way I do things, why I do things. Yet I'd almost forgotten. I flipped it open to the middle. The last page with photos on it. It was only ever half-filled. I swallowed hard as the scene from one of the photos started to play over in my head.

"_Blow out the candles you two!" "Smile for the camera you guys. Dan, would you get Sarah and Jordan out of the way for a minute? There . . . Big smiles now! . . ."_

"Rachel?" Tobias' human voice brought me back to reality. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I shoved the photo album to the back of the top shelf, not noticing the folded slip of paper that fell out of the back. I picked up the clothes and walked out of the closet.

"Sorry," I say, "some stuff fell down, I had to pick it up." I gave him that smile again, handed him his clothes, and sat back down on my bed, suddenly not in the mood for talking.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw Tobias fully dressed though. _This is the way Tobias really is _I reminded myself. He came and sat down beside me.

"Hey"

"Hey yourself. " I snuggled closer to him, and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I guess you really meant talk or _something_ huh?" He smiled at me, rare for him, and my heart melted. Tobias has the best smile.

"Yeah, or something." I brought my head up, and kissed him, slowly. It isn't often Tobias is in this kind of mood, and it almost made me feel normal, most of the time. But tonight wasn't most of the time. I tried to put the album out of my mind, but Tobias could tell I wasn't my usual self tonight.

"Something wrong?" I knew he was concerned, even if he didn't show it.

"Relax Tobias," I flashed the smile again, and gave him a quick kiss. "I'm fine." He was quiet for a minute; I could never completely fool him with the I-never-feel-bad-about-anything-I-do, -I-love-this-war act, but he didn't push it. I brushed his bangs out of his eyes. "You need a haircut."

"Yeah, I guess I do" he said as he pushed my hair behind my ear. I smiled, but my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to be enjoying it, I really did. It's so rare for Tobias to be in that king of mood. But I couldn't keep that album out of my mind. I willed Tobias not to pick up on my mood.

"You're in a good mood tonight." I said, changing the subject.

"Things have been quiet lately, we may actually be getting a break for a while. I guess I'm just feeling optimistic." Pause. "I may even be convinced into going to the dance next week."

I felt my smile evaporate. Dance? Crap. How had he found out? Yes, I wanted to go, I wanted to go with Tobias. But I also didn't want to go. I didn't want to pretend to be a normal couple in a gymnasium full of real normal couples. I was finally beginning to accept that Tobias and I were not a normal couple, and that we probably wouldn't be a normal couple any time soon. I didn't want what we didn't have thrown in my face. Especially after the last dance.

"What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy about it." Guess my feelings were showing on my face.

"It's not that I'm not happy about it baby, really. It's just . . . I don't know." I shifted uncomfortably. "Why? I guess. Dances aren't something you usually leap at the chance to go to."

"Because I know you want to go." Uh-oh. "Especially after the last dance. I know it's hard for you, and you're right, you do need some normalcy in your life. We both do." He held my hand in both of his.

"Tobias, you know what almost happened last time. I can't ask you to risk that again."_ I can't go through it again. _I brought my eyes up to meet his. Crap.

"Rachel, I just want you to be happy. I know there's a lot that you deserve that I can't give you. Please. Let me do this for you." _Why do you have to be so sweet?_

I smiled. "Okay." _What are you saying? If you don't want to go, why don't you just tell him?_

He smiled now too, and leaned over to kiss me. We came up for air, and he smiled again. "Good." He leaned in to kiss me again. _This is almost normal. _I thought. _But if this is what I wanted, why aren't I happy?_


	2. lies

**A/N: here it is chapter two, love it hate it, just don't ignore it. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: Animorphs is not mine, as you know, though I like to think of parts of revised Rachel as mine.**

Chapter 2. Lies

I was distracted at school the next day. But hey, I had a lot on my mind. I was trying to think up an excuse not to go to the dance next week, without hurting Tobias. Then there was the album . . . _five years? Has it really been five years? Has it really been _only _five years? _Parts of it seemed like yesterday, others seemed like another lifetime. _Might as well be for all we talk about it. _These are the thoughts that were running through my mind when I realized that Cassie had spent the last five minutes telling me that we had a meeting tonight.

I mentally slapped myself. _Pull yourself together Rachel; you don't need the others asking what's wrong. _

At lunch Cassie asked me what was wrong.

"Hmmm?" I still wasn't paying attention. "Oh. Nothing. I just didn't get that much sleep last night. I'm tired." Not a total lie. I got next to no sleep the night before. After Tobias left I just laid on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a while, willing myself not to go to my closet and get the album. I didn't need to feel worse then I already did. Even when I started trying to go to sleep, I had too much on my mind.

"Nightmares?" Cassie asked. "or Tobias?" She said the last part with a smirk. I glared at her.

"Tobias. We were doing homework." Okay, so that was a lie. "He asked me to go to the dance next week."

"He actually asked you?"

"Well, not exactly. Pretty much though. He brought it up, said he could be convinced into going." _Please don't dig into that. _"So what's the meeting about tonight?"

Cassie cocked and eyebrow at me. "You do know that this will be the third time I've told you."

"Like I said I'm tired." _Pay attention Rachel._

"Erek came to talk to Jake. I don't know exact details, but it looks like the Yeerks have been developing a bunch of new surveillance equipment. New scans, all sorts of stuff. It looks like they're trying to find any andalites who might be nearby on Earth, or for technology that's a little too advanced for humans."

"So basically, the Yeerks are looking for us."

"Yeah, they won't find us, but they may find Ax. Even if they don't find anything, that may make them suspect that there are not in fact, andalites nearby, that maybe the 'andalite bandits' aren't so andalite after all."

_Great, utterly fantastic. _The last thing I needed right now was a mission.

"Erek's meeting us at the barn after school to go over more details, so that we can make a plan." Pause. She snapped her fingers in my face. I'd been staring off into space. "Are you going to remember to show up tonight?"

I glared at her. "I'm just _tired!_" Why does Cassie have to be so perceptive? I didn't need her trying to unearth my hidden emotions. "I'm going for a walk," I said, "maybe the fresh air will wake me up." I stood up.

"You're not going to finish eating?"

I looked at my bagel with a bite out of it. "I'm not hungry."

I walked out of the cafeteria, dumped the remains of my barely touched lunch in my locker, and stormed outside. Next to the smokers, I was the only one outside. Not surprising, it had been raining lately. It was chilly and damp. There was a cool breeze, and nothing but grey clouds. _Pretty much like my mood. _I thought. What else could go wrong? Tobias had asked me to a dance I didn't want to go to, because he was trying to do something nice for me, which meant I couldn't say no without hurting his feelings. I'd found that stupid album, which I was pretty sure I'd never needed to see again. Cassie saw that something was up, so I had to avoid her, without that looking suspicious. The Yeerks were up to something again, so we would have another mission to go on. Which meant I would have to act all excited and lets-do-it about everything. Great. Welcome to my life.

((Hi Rachel.))

Tobias' thought speak voice interrupted my current bout of self-pity.

((Out for a walk?))

I glanced around. There was no one around who would see or hear me talking to thin air. I talked quietly anyway. "Yeah, Cassie has to do some homework, so I figured I'd get some air." How many more lies was I going to have to tell to keep my behavior from seeming suspicious? I'd already lied to my best friend and my boyfriend, the two people I was usually the most honest with. _Well not completely, _I reminded myself, but hey, I did what I had to do. _But why do you have to? _I shoved the traitorous thought to the back of my mind. _Everyone else fights in this war, so do you._

((How long do you have lunch for?))

I looked at my watch. "Another 40 minutes. Why?" I thought about blowing the afternoon off, spending it with Tobias. _Please give me a reason _I thought.

((Just wondering))

Crap. Trying to convince Tobias that my skipping school to spend the afternoon with him was totally normal would have been difficult. My mom probably wouldn't have found out, probably wouldn't have cared, but Tobias would have.

I kept walking in silence. ((You're quiet.)) I pulled myself up onto the branch of a tree at the edge the school property. Tobias landed on a branch just above my head.

"I'm just thinking. I have a math test this afternoon." _Liar._

((I thought you didn't have any homework last night?)) Crap.

"I studied when I got home. Sarah and Jordan are at this Girl Guide Camp thing all week, so I had nothing else to do." At least that was half true.

((Was your math test what was bothering you last night too?)) Shoot.

"What is this? A cross examination?"

((I was just asking.)) Oops, I'd said that a little too harsh.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Did you hear about the meeting tonight?" Tobias looked at me. If he were human, he would have raised an eyebrow at me. He knew I was changing the subject, but at least he kept quiet about it.

((Yeah, this must be pretty serious if Erek's coming to talk to us in person.))

"Yeah. It'll be good to be out there doing something again. We've let the Yeerks rest for way to long." That was basically just for show. To say, "see, I'm fine. Same old reckless Rachel." I willed him to buy it, and he did.

We talked for a while longer, just about normal stuff, me quietly hoping the dance wouldn't come up, but of course it did.

"So everything's fine for the dance next week?"

I smiled. "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" _Liar, liar, liar!_

Tobias reminded me I had to be getting back. I sighed inwardly. I really didn't want to go back to school. I said goodbye anyway, and headed back toward the school. I hung around the side entrance, watching Tobias fly back towards his meadow. I turned and grabbed the handle of the door, but thought _what the hell, why not? _and spun on my heel, walking away from the school. _I can tell Cassie I went home to take a nap, figuring we'd probably be out late tonight. _How many lies was that?

Alright, so I was pushing things a bit. But I needed to keep up the façade that everything was normal. Normal. Right. The others led a double life. I led a triple one. Around my family and in public I acted like your normal teenager. Around the Animorphs and Ax, I pretended to be reckless, liking whatever horrible act we had to commit this week. But neither of them were the real me. _Does anyone besides me see who I really am? _ Not really.

The real me got buried behind masks five years ago, and then even more when the war started. Tobias sees a little of the real me, more than anyone else. He knows there's a little more to me, that I'm not just a warrior, that I don't really love the war as much as it seems. But even he doesn't understand who I really am, the person who creates the masks I hide behind. I'm the only one who sees the real me. I'm the only one who knows that after a bad battle, when I'm alone, I'll feel sick to my stomach. I'll stare at myself in the mirror and want to smash the person I see there, the person that the others see, the warrior princess, want to smash the mirror until there's nothing left of her, until there's just the real me.

What do you do when you're life's a costume party, with masks piled on masks, masks so realistic that no one knows they're there? What do you do? These were the questions that I asked myself while I was walking home. Because that's my life. I lived my life pretending to be someone else in front of everyone I knew, for the best of reasons. Yet no one could ever know what those reasons were. If the others knew, if they ever found out . . . I couldn't even imagine how they would react. But pretending was beginning to tear me apart. The masks were beginning to slip. _What will happen? _I refused to think about it.

I reached home finally, went up to my room, and lay on my bed. _It's just all so much . . . _things were starting to pile up, and I wasn't sure I could hold it all together. I willed the tears not to come, but they were there, starting to burn my eyes from being held in so hard. I gave in finally, and cried for what my life had become.


	3. searching

**AN: Yeah, yeah, i know, it's been awhile. And no, I don't have a good excuse. It's just that I try to have a couple chapters written in advance of the one I'm posting, and in writing chpt 5, I had some descrepanices with chpt 4, so I wantedto rewrite that before I posted this in case t here were continuity issues, etc. So here's chpt 3, please R and R! It may be awhile before the next chpt is up, I'm having issues with a couple scenes I really want to put in, but may make the story too full. sighs I also have less time to write since starting my job. Enough about my problems, enjoy!**

Chapter 3 Searching

I woke up around three. _What do you know? I actually had a nap._ I wouldn't have to completely lie to the others after all. We weren't meeting at the barn until four-thirty, so I had an hour and a half to relax, freshen up, and get to Cassie's. I stood and stretched, then walked into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. People say I'm beautiful whatever. I could apparently be beautiful in a flood or a tornado. Seeing myself in the mirror, hair a mess, dried tear tracks on my cheeks, I didn't think I looked beautiful. I turned the water on in the shower, peeled off my clothes, and stepped in.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the water hit me. I just stood there for a few minutes, letting the water soak into my hair and run over my tired body. I soaped my face, rubbing the salty tearstains off. I shampooed my hair, pushing my fingers through the knots. _I need a shorter hairstyle _I thought. I finished my shower, and wrapped myself in a soft bath towel. I combed and blow-dried my hair.I slipped into one of my black leotards, then pulled on a fresh pair of jeans, a tank top and sweater. It really was cool out.

I did a brief tidy-up of my room, just so clothes weren't on the floor and stuff. I'm not exactly the world's most obsessive cleaner. I took a deep breath. Three forty-five. I could take a bus to the city limits, then walk to Cassie's from there. I shoved my bus pass in my pocket and headed out the door.

It started raining when I was near Cassie's. Not hard, just enough so as not to improve my mood. Enough so that by the time I reached the barn, my freshly dried hair was damp, as were all my clothes.

"If you'd stayed at school, you could have just come home with me." This was the greeting I received when Cassie took in my wet look. She gave me a meaningful look. "Why did you skip?"

"I went home and took a nap. We might be out late tonight, and it's not like I was awake enough to take anything in at school." This was all true. I just hoped Cassie wouldn't ask more questions, or I would have to lie. "Did I miss much?"

"I don't know about math, you'd have to ask Marco," yeah right. Like I needed Marco to find out I'd skipped. "We have to do an essay on who we think was the greatest President of this century for history." I groaned. History was not one of my best subjects.

"When's it due?"

"Rough copy has to be done Friday."

I groaned again. It was Wednesday as it was. I sighed and flopped on hay bale as Jake and Marco arrived.

"Oh man, is it ever wet out there." Marco complained. "Hey Xena, didn't see you in math today." Marco said inquisitively.

"I went home." He wasn't getting anymore than that.

((You didn't go to math today?)) Crap. Stupid hawk hearing. I hadn't even seen Tobias coming.

((Is it usual for humans to simply not attend their classes when they do not feel like it?)) Aaargh. I'd somehow also missed Ax coming, even though that's not easy to do.

"Yes, it is, even though they're not supposed to. They can get in big trouble if they do it too much." Cassie said with a meaningful glance in my direction.

((Ah)) Ax sounded like he now understood some profound piece of human behavior.

"It's not a big deal alright?" I struggled to come up with an excuse that didn't conflict what I'd already said. Unable to come up with something, I said

"I was really tired, so I went home and had a nap."

((Tired?))

"Yes!" I was getting tired of this conversation.

Marco opened his mouth, probably to make a further comment. He never could sense moods well. Or he just exploited them. We were interrupted however, by the arrival of Erek. I'd never been so happy to see the android in my entire life.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Marco opened his mouth again, but Jake cut him off. "No. What have you got to tell us?" _Thank you_ I said silently.

"Well, like I told you. The Yeerks have been working on a lot of new surveillance equipment. More advanced genetic scans, stuff like that."

((No doubt stolen from andalite technology.)) Ax, of course. Jake gave him a look, clearly telling him to keep quiet.

"So they're looking for us." Jake, ever the knowledgeable leader.

"Yes. The Council of Thirteen is coming down hard on Visser Three for letting you go on unchecked as long as you have."

"So to save his own skin, he's trying to capture us." Marco.

"Yes. If he can present the 'andalite bandits' to the Council of Thirteen, he will be back in their favour. They may even let him have his full-scale invasion, no more hiding."

"And that would be a bad thing?" Everyone looked at me. Some of them seemed a little scared. Cassie just looked sad. I was the one who was scared. I could not handle an all-out full-scale invasion. But I was Xena, warrior princess, and I had to act the part. "What? A totally public invasion could work in our favour too."

Jake just shook his head. "When are they going to start their search?"

"As soon as they've tested everything and installed it."

"What if everything doesn't test out as they expect?" Ah. Marco had an idea.

"If they can't get it working, will they scrap the project?" Jake asked Erek.

"It's unlikely. The Visser really needs this."

Jake sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. "So then we'll have to destroy it. Plans too. We have to make Visser Three wonder if it's really worth the effort. Do you know where they're working on this?"

"In a lab that's part of the Pool complex." This was not good. A normal mission would've been bad enough. But the Pool? It would be hell on Earth going there again. I wasn't the only one who balked at the idea, everyone else grimaced and/or shivered. Even Tobias was visually perturbed. I was the only one who didn't show any feeling of foreboding. I would keep up the act.

Jake rubbed his forehead. "Do you know how close they are to testing?"

"They should be beginning tests by the end of the week. If I may make a suggestion, you should wait until they are ready to begin testing, so that you will not have to worry about any partially built prototypes or spare components they may have in storage. Everything should be in one spot at that point."

"Okay. Erek, try to find out exactly when they're going to start testing. If you're right, it should probably be sometime Saturday. Anyone have plans?" He looked at the rest of us. Even if we had, it was unlikely we would have said anything, except for Marco of course.

" I was planning on convincing Kristy to go to the dance with me, but I should be free other than that."

I rolled my eyes. "Marco, convincing someone to go to the dance with you would take months, if it could be done at all." I shook my head and turned to Jake. "You'd better count Marco out of the next few missions."

Jake just looked puzzled. "There's a dance next week?"

I shook my head. Jake could never remember when there as a dance. I caught a glance of Cassie. She looked disappointed, though she tried not to show it. Poor kid. Jake was probably one of the most socially in adept people in our school. This at least was one thing I could fix. I raised my eyebrows at him. "You're not taking Cassie?"

"I uh, " Jake turned red and shrugged, unable to say anything. A few seconds later he said, "So, everyone's set for Saturday?" We all nodded. "Good. Erek, you'll let us know?" He nodded. Jake nodded. "Alright then, I guess that's it. We'll meet when we know more."

And that was it. Erek left, shortly followed by Ax. Marco departed with an "I'll see you all later, I'm having dinner with an angel." to which I rolled my eyes, not bothering to come up with a comment. Tobias was still sitting in the rafters; I could tell he was waiting for me. I turned to leave. As I went, I saw Jake talking to Cassie, who had a sappy grin on her face. Mission accomplished. If only our real mission was going to be solved so quickly.

I left. The rain had let up. As I had suspected, Tobias had been waiting for me.

((You skipped class?)) I sighed inwardly. I should have known Tobias would make a big deal about this. ((I thought you had a math test?)) Crap. I'd forgotten about that particular lie.

"I'll write it tomorrow. It's no big deal. I was too tired try and write a test anyways. My math mark is suffering enough as it is."

((Why were you so tired? We weren't up that late last night.)) I bit back a harsh remark.

"I was up a lot during the night, with the rain and everything." So it was a lame excuse. Shoot me.

((That or there's something else bothering you. You can talk to me you know.))

Fortunately I was saved by my arrival at the bus stop. There wasn't anyone else there, but I could tell Tobias later that I didn't want to risk anyone in any of the alleys or buildings to see me talking to no one. He could still talk to me though.

((If there's something bothering you, just tell me. I thought we were closer than this Rachel.)) He sounded hurt. I shifted uncomfortably. ((I'll be by later if you want to talk.)) With that he flew off.

The bus came eventually, though not before it had started raining again. I trudged in the door when I reached home. Sarah and Jordan were at camp, and there was a message on the machine from Mom's secretary, saying that she wouldn't be home until late. Yes, from her secretary. My mother was even too busy to make a call herself. I lounged around the house, ate cold pizza in front of the TV, and did absolutely nothing. Then I went to bed. When Tobias showed up that night, I pretended to look like I had fallen asleep reading.


	4. crying again

**A/N: Yeah . . . it's kinda been a long time. Like over six months. What can I say? Work, then school, this story took the back burner for a long time. I seriously considered posting the fragments for later chapters I had been working on and calling it quits. One thing leads to another though, and here I am, in a semester without English, and I've realized I miss writing more than I realized. Writing isn't my first love, it's art, but I'd forgotten just how close writing is in second place. I'm doing art at school, so I don't feel like starting a big project on the side, but I'm finding that I need an outlet, something to get me away from the trials and tribulations of everyday life and Grade Eleven Advanced Functions. Reading this story over again, I'm surprised at just how good it seems, to me anyways, please let me know if you disagree. I'm also feeling that I need to prove something, mostly to myself, to say that I'm not stupid, I can do left brain stuff, even though I think there's a lot of right brain activity in writing too. Anyway, that was basically a lengthy rant to say that I'm sorry it's been a long time, please welcome me back with open arms, and that I'm really hate/feel stupid because of Advanced Functions. And that Raine Maida is possibly the best singer/songwriter on the planet. Okay, so that last part wasn't in there, but I feel it needs to be said. I don't know how I'd get by without his music some days, 'specially his solo stuff.**

**Anyhoo . . . on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: you know the drill: I do not own Animorphs, or characters, plots, species, etc thereof. Neither do I own the song Deep Water, which belongs to Jewel.**

Chapter 4 Crying again

I considered not going to school the next day at all. I wanted to stay in my room and pretend there wasn't a world outside where I had to act like I was someone else. Where I had to fight and kill people. But of course, I had skipped school the day before, and I didn't need everyone more suspicious than they already were.

I forged my mom's signature on a note saying I'd had a doctor's appointment the day before. It was something I'd done a million times before, when we needed to miss school for missions, or on permission forms my mom was just too busy to sign. Most of Sarah and Jordan's stuff was forged too, courtesy of their older sister.

It was raining again as I walked to school. I gave up on being miserable and just decided to be ticked off instead.

"Someone looks like they got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." I scowled. Cassie was not improving my mood. "You don't look at all like someone whose birthday is tomorrow." She smiled, but I was suddenly somewhere else. _It's my birthday tomorrow? My birthday!? _That meant the accident had been exactly five years ago Monday. Monday . . .

"Rachel?" I snapped back to reality. Cassie was staring at me. "Did you forget?" She looked nervous now, like she was waiting for me to laugh, say, 'of course I didn't forget my birthday. How could I forget my birthday? You know what I'm doing . . .' only she was starting to realize I wasn't joking. "What about the long weekend? Did you forget that too?" She was still waiting for the joke, and I knew I should have given it too her. But my brain was apparently not reaching the rest of me.

"Yeah, I guess I did." I was still far away. I wasn't even looking at Cassie. _Long weekend. And my birthday. _Our _birthday . . . _

The bell rang. I jumped. "We have to get to class." Cassie looked at me strange. I couldn't say I blamed her. "Let's go." I nodded. I closed my locker and locked it. I followed Cassie to English and sat down, still somewhere else. I could hear the others whispering, but I didn't care.

"What's wrong with Rachel?" If Jake was picking up on my mood, it must have been really obvious.

"I don't know. I said something about her birthday being tomorrow, and she went all weird. I think she really forgot about it. I'm don't even think she remembered about the long weekend. I think something's really wrong."

"You know what she looks like, she looks like she's been hypnotized. They had this show on TV last night, and. . . "

"You watch too much TV Marco."

I don't know how I got through my first class. I don't think I said one

word the entire time. When the bell rang I put my books in my locker and went outside. I needed some fresh air. It wasn't long before Cassie found me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You forget it's your birthday tomorrow, you forget the long weekend, you don't say one word in English, and you expect me to believe nothing's wrong?"

"I'm just . . . distracted. There's something . . . there's just something I found recently. It reminded me of something that happened around my birthday a few years ago. That's all." I felt a shadow pass over us. I glanced up. Tobias had heard too. I turned away. "Come on. We'll be late for our next class."

I tried to act like everything was fine the rest of the day, I really did. But I just couldn't. I was slow to react to anything that was said, if I remembered to react at all. Most people thought that I was just being my snobby self, as was normal, but the others knew something was up. I saw Tobias around the school a lot too, through the windows. He was worried.

I left quickly at the end of the day, not wanting to talk to anyone. I could see Tobias at the top of my vision, and feel his shadow pass over me, but he didn't say anything, for which I was grateful, though it worried me. I couldn't decide if he was mad at me for not talking to him the day before, or if he just wasn't sure what to say.

I came home to an empty house, even on Fridays my mother worked late. There was no message, so there was no telling when she'd get home. I went upstairs to my room. I could see Tobias in the tree outside my window. There was no way that I could ignore him without him realizing it. I plastered a smile on my faced and opened the window.

"Did you come to help me write my essay?" I hoped Tobias would just fall into our normal routine, but I wasn't that lucky.

((What did you find?)) I tried to keep that smile on my face, but I think I twitched a little.

"What are you talking about?" I didn't want to have this conversation. Tobias could be quite stubborn if it came to something he felt strongly about.

((I know you saw me this morning when you were talking to Cassie. Don't play dumb with me Rachel. What did you find? What happened?)) I let the smile drop.

"I don't want to talk about it." If Tobias wanted emotional, emotional was what he'd get. Anger was an emotion.

((Rachel . . .)) he cut off, and I realized he was morphing to human. "Rachel," he said again when he was fully human.

"What?" I snapped at him. He jerked backwards, like I'd pushed him. Who did he think he was anyway? He's not exactly the most open person about his feelings. Why should he expect me to be different? I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to have this conversation either. He wasn't going to make this easy for me though.

"Rachel, what's wrong? What's can be so wrong that you won't tell me?" He'd stepped closer as he'd said it, he was right in front of me now. I wanted to lean into him, let him wrap his arms around me, tell him everything, about the accident, about the real me, the why of my life, let him hold me, feel the relief that would come with speaking it out loud.

But I didn't. I came close, I was biting my lip to hold back tears, but I didn't do it. Why? Why not? Because I wasn't sure how he would react. Tobias was one of the few things in my life I considered a real comfort. Tobias cared about me, needed me in a way I didn't even know was possible. And I needed that. I needed to be needed. I think most people do; they just don't realize that that's what they're looking for. Cassie used to tell me that I lived my life like I was looking for something more. I think she'd thought I'd found it fighting, but she was wrong. I'd found it in Tobias.

Strange, isn't it? My relationship with a hawk who could sometimes become a boy was the thing that kept me sane. So I didn't tell him. I couldn't risk what we had. I needed it, and the thought of losing it scared me. There's a song, called "Deep Water" that has a line "it's nothing without love". I couldn't imagine my life without Tobias. There was nothing without him.

There's another line in that song. It goes "when you're standing in deep water, and you're bailing yourself out with a straw, when you're drowning in deep water . . . ". That's how I felt then. I was standing in deep water, and couldn't bail myself out. And the water was getting higher . . .

"Why does everyone think something's so wrong with me? We all go through rough patches. It's part of what we do! Maybe I'm just not thrilled at the prospect of a mission on my birthday! Did anyone think of that?" I'd turned away and crossed my arms, still holding back tears.

Tobias came up behind me, and put his arms around my stomach, his chin on my shoulder. I willed the tears not to fall. "I'm really worried about you Rachel. You haven't been yourself lately." _Wanna bet? _I thought. _I've been being more like myself than I have in a long time. _"Actually, you haven't been yourself since the last time I was here." Crap. Tobias was making a connection. He came around so that he was in front of me. "Is this about the dance?" I looked down. He'd hit on part of it anyway. I bit my lip and looked back at him.

Yeah, so the dance was supposed to be a big deal. The parent council had wanted to give teens something organized to do over March break, so they'd organized all sorts of events the coming week, leading up to the dance on Friday. It was being held in the gym at the Rec Centre, which was bigger than the school's, so everyone had high expectations. But I didn't want to go. Biggest event of the year, and I didn't even _want_ to go. I couldn't handle it. I opened my mouth to tell Tobias what I was thinking.

And I couldn't say it. Here he was, giving me the chance to get out of going to the dance, and I couldn't do it. I wonder if the others would say I'm so brave if they knew how much I backed down every day. I just couldn't say it. I could not look at Tobias' face and tell him that I didn't want to go to the dance with him. Would he have understood? Maybe. Probably. But my saying it still might have hurt him. And I could not do that to him. Tobias got hurt a lot when he was still human. There was no way I was going to risk hurting him now.

I sighed. "Sort of. I'm worried about you, Tobias. I know you asked me, but I still know that you're uncomfortable going. How am I supposed to be happy going when I know you're not?" _Coward_ I thought. _At least it's true. I am worried about him. _That just wasn't the reason that I was balking at going to the dance. I looked up at Tobias again. _Just call it off_ I thought. But one look in his eyes told me that that wasn't going to happen.

"You're right Rachel, going to the dance isn't exactly going to be comfortable for me. But I know that you give up a lot for me. Having a boyfriend who's a bird can't exactly be the most comfortable position for you. I know that you're worried about me, and yeah, you probably have reason for it. But shouldn't you get to be happy sometimes too?"

How do you crush the feelings of someone like that? He was giving me exactly what he thought I wanted, even though it would be hard for him. So I let myself look like I was extremely relieved, and said "okay.", and let him wrap his arms around me. I was relieved in a way, but more because I hadn't got caught in my lies than anything else. Now I just had to get him to leave before he remembered about my conversation with Cassie.

I looked up at him and gave him my best smile. "Thank you. This really means a lot to me." And it almost worked. He almost smiled, which is a lot, coming from Tobias. But he must have seen something in my eyes. Neither my smile nor my words were reaching them.

"What else is wrong?" Crap, crap crap.

"Hmm? Nothing." I flashed the smile again, but he wasn't buying it.

"The conversation with Cassie. There's something else. What did you find Rachel?" I'd pulled away from him, turned away, but he was in front of me again, trying to get me to look at him. "What's wrong?"

But I just shook my head. "I can't talk about it."

"You can't or you won't?" I was getting really ticked at him now, really fast. Why couldn't he just leave it alone?

"Maybe it just isn't any of your business alright? Why do you have to push this with me? If I said I'm not going to talk about it, why can't you just leave me alone?" I'd turned away again as I was talking; I'd practically pushed Tobias away when he tried to get closer again. I turned to face him again. His expression was unreadable.

"Fine. If you want me to leave you alone, I'll leave you alone." He moved towards my window, demorphing. ((If you need to talk to someone, I'll always be there for you.)) Then he left. I watched him leave. Then I picked up my history textbook and hurled it across the room. The tears that had been threatening to spill since Tobias arrived finally let loose. I dropped to the floor, not even having the strength to move to my bed, and just sobbed.


	5. Their Silence

**A/N: Finally, the long awaited (by about 5 people according to my stats) next chapter of the Life. And you get 2 for the price of one! (okay, so it's more like 1 and 1/3 since the next chapter's really short.) I'll admit it: this isn't the best chapter I've ever written. (If you want to read the best thing I've written, read The End of a Life, it's great) It's been the hardest one to write. That's why it's taken six months. However, it was either lower quality, or abandoning the story. (Thanks for telling me not to estrid). So with out further ado:**

**(except for the disclaimer)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the animorphs. I'm not worth sueing, get it through your head already.  
**

Chapter 5

Their Silence

"Okay, so here's the plan." It was the next day, after school, and we were meeting in the barn, going over plans for our mission to the Pool. _Happy birthday Rachel. _I thought. Pancakes for breakfast, that was as celebratory as things had gotten. That was fine with me; I hadn't really celebrated my birthday since, well, since. My mom had said that we'd have cake and stuff when Sarah and Jordan got back, still four days away. If I lived till then.

The others had all wished me happy birthday, Cassie had given me her promise to let me take her shopping. I'd gotten several jokes from Marco, and a distracted happy birthday from Jake. A short ((happy birthday)) was all I'd gotten from Tobias. I didn't know whether to cry or thank my luck stars that he was staying out of my business.

The equipment that the Yeerks had developed/stolen was ready for testing, according to Erek.

"I thought you said that they wouldn't be ready until tomorrow." Marco whined.

"As I have said, there has been significant pressure on this project, the Yeerks feel that the sooner it is completed, the better. They are moving ahead of schedule." Jake rubbed his forehead. He looked stressed.

"So we have to move tonight."

"Unless you wish to risk them finding Ax, or worse, finding _only_ Ax, than yes." There was no alternative in that answer. If we didn't go, they might find Ax, which none of us wanted. They also might discover that he was actually the _only_ Andalite on Earth, meaning we might in fact be human; a discovery we could not allow under any circumstances. If I had only known then what those circumstances would turn out to be.

Things moved quickly from there. My mom was working late, even on a Friday, so I didn't have to worry. Marco's dad was at an overnight convention. Cassie's parents were enthralled by some marathon animal documentary. Jake called his parents and said he was staying at Marco's for the night. Normal procedure. By now we were specialists at not getting grounded when we had to suddenly up and go.

Erek showed us a map, and told us the way to get to the lab through the pool complex. If we were lucky, we could get to the lab without having to go by the Pool itself, something that was preferable to all of us.

And it worked. Almost. After getting into the complex, we never had to pass the Pool directly. But we all heard the screams. I'm not sure there's a place in the entire complex that you can't hear them. We didn't need to see it after we heard those screams. Each of us could picture it clearly in our minds. Because you never forget. You might suppress, you might not be haunted every waking moment with the sight, but when you hear that sound, as unforgettable as those images, it's impossible not to remember where they come from.

We had been travelling as insects. We demorphed behind a pile of equipment across from the lab entrance, and got ready to go to battle morphs. I was going Hork Bajir. Elephant was too big, and I needed better eyesight than my grizzly could provide. Tobias and Ax were themselves; the others had their usual morphs, Jake as tiger, Marco as gorilla, and Cassie as wolf. Jake gave us our final orders before we went in.

((Okay, you know what to do. Equipment, prototypes everything needs to be destroyed. Ax, see if you can get to a computer console. Hack anything that looks even remotely related to the project. Crash the whole system if you have to; we can't leave anything left for them to work with. If they decide to continue, I want them to have to start from scratch.)) We all nodded. It was a simple enough plan.

So we went in. Ax knocked the Hork Bajir guard unconscious. Tobias morphed to Hork Bajir and took up the post. With luck, no one would notice what was happening until it was too late. We passed through the first door to the lab without incident. Unfortunately, the second door was genetically coded. So that was why they only had one guard. Luckily, we had a nicely unconscious Hork Bajir guard with us. We'd been planning to dump him out of sight inside the lab. A swipe of his had against the door was all it took to open it. Then there was a third door.

((How many doors are there to this stupid lab anyway?)) Marco asked. ((This is starting to be like Alice in Wonderland.))

((This should be it, according to Erek. He said it's not linked to any alarms, it's just an old fashioned really tough door.)) Jake told us. ((Marco?))

Marco opened the door for us. Okay, so it's more like he opened a _hole_ in the door for us, but same result: we were in. This is where things got messy. Apparently another reason that there was only one Hork Bajir outside the lab was because they were all _inside_.

We began to dispatch the Hork Bajir, but it took longer than we hoped it would. Plus there were the human controller scientists. Hork Bajir are only dangerous at close quarters, but humans with Dracon beams had a bit larger range. Luckily, the Visser wasn't there, but that probably wasn't something we could count on for long. If they were really testing tonight, he would probably be here soon.

((Tobias, we're gonna need your help in here!)) Jake yelled.

((I'm on my way. Jake, I just heard. The Visser's almost at the complex. He's on his way here.)) Crap.

Tobias came in quickly, and the rest of the Hork Bajir quickly went down, along with the scientists.

While we were fighting though, we had missed one scientist in the corner, who was powering up a rather foreboding looking piece of machinery. The rest of the lab was a mess, but apparently we had missed the most important piece of equipment. I moved in to bring the man down, when he suddenly looked up at me in disbelief and glee. He stared straight at me, meeting my gaze.

And I froze. Because I knew. I felt something cold drop deep down inside me, and I knew. I knew that he knew, even before he said it:

"You're not Andalite." And now the others froze. He looked around at each of us, his gaze landing on Ax, who had managed to get to a console, as Jake had instructed him. "You're the only one." He looked back at the rest of us. "Only on Andalite bandit is actually an Andalite. So what are you really?" Now he had an evil glint in his eye as the grin on his face widened. "Could you, in fact, be human?"

Our secret was out. The one thing that could not be allowed to happen under any circumstances had happened.

((Ax, does anyone else know?)) Jake asked, desperation in his thought speech.

((No, Prince Jake. I have crashed the local system. Any information collected by this device, as well as communications from this room, are inaccessible and irretrievable.

Which meant that this controller standing in front of me was the only one who knew our secret.

I know I wasn't the only one who thought of the solution. And even as I moved towards him, I wondered why it was me who had to act on it. Everything, _everything_ that I had thought so much about it the last few days, told me why. It had to be me. If it was me, than no one else would have to have it on their conscience.

Our secret could not be revealed under _any_ circumstance. If the Yeerks knew we were human, they would find us. They would kill us, or, more likely, enslave us. The Yeerks would have six more morph capable controllers, and consequently, learn the whereabouts of the morphing cube. They would all be morph capable. The one thing that stood between the Yeerks and total enslavement of the Earth was us. We knew that. If we fell, humankind would fall shortly after. The Andalites weren't coming. We had fought this war too long to still believe they were. Our secret could not be revealed. I didn't want to know what needed to be done, but I did. All of us knew. I wanted to pretend I didn't. I wanted to run away, run home and crawl under the covers.

He didn't even realize what I was going to do; so complete was his glee at his discovery. Jake however, did realize.

((Rachel, no.)) The others too, quickly realized my intent.

((Rachel, he's innocent, you can't!)) Cassie cried.

I looked over my shoulder at them. If I had been human, I would have been crying. I fought to keep the emotion from my voice, to play my part.

((He knows. No one can know.)) Someone moved to stop me. I was never sure who it was. As fast as they were, I was too close. Only when I was right in front of him did he finally realize what I was going to do. Only then was he afraid. And privately, I told him, ((I am sorry.)) For a moment, I saw something in his eyes, something that was the true person, not the Yeerk. Something that acknowledged the necessity of what I was doing. The smallest nod maybe. And then I slit his throat. The Yeerk never had a chance to make it out.

I turned, and I walked away.

We were silent, on the trip back. Maybe the others talked in private, I don't know. To me they said nothing. There was nothing they could say. We demorphed in the woods near Cassie's house. Tobias morphed to human as well.

The others still didn't say anything to me. They stared at me, conflicting emotions in their eyes. Even Ax looked unsure of what to do. And I knew there was nothing I could do either. At last Jake began to speak.

"Rachel …" But he couldn't finish. He looked away. Their silence said more than any words ever would. I had fooled them all. In the back of my mind, I had known, known it would always come down to this. That someday, there would be no going back. I had finally reached that point. But still, I thought I had something.

I turned to Tobias. Even if the others were fooled, Tobias had always partly seen that it was an act. I could always count on him. He met my gaze straight on. And there was a pure look of disbelief in his eyes. He shook his head, and looked away.

And suddenly, I couldn't move. _No. Not Tobias. I couldn't have fooled Tobias. _But I had. I had fooled the one person I counted on to see the real me. I spun around again, but none of them would meet my eyes. I wanted to be angry with them, wanted to scream _"I did it for you! All of you! It had to be done, if I hadn't done it, one of you would have had to!" _but I didn't. Because, you see, I understood. Reckless Xena had finally crossed a line in their eyes. Rachel didn't exist for them anymore. So I played my part. So I said "Huh. So this is what it comes down to. I did what none of you could. Somehow that's given you the right to hate me." Then I turned around, and walked away, holding the tears in until I was far enough away that no one would notice.

I snuck into the house and up to my room. My mom was absorbed in her papers in her office and didn't notice me. I went up to my room and just stood there for a minute. I looked at my window. It was open. _I fooled him._ I went over and closed the window. He wasn't coming anymore, he'd cared for Rachel, not the person it seemed to him I had become. I sat on my bed, silent tears slowly running down my cheeks. I lay down, contemplating the way things stood.

I was Rachel , who couldn't even give you her last name. I was part of the small resistance force that was all that stood in the way of a complete alien invasion of Earth. I was a warrior. Who was not what she seemed. That was what the others knew me as. Xena, warrior princess. Who was I really? I was Rachel, a scared teenage kid, whose parents were divorced, whose mother was busy all the time and whose father lived in another state. Someone who had seen those closest to her get hurt, and she had been affected by that so much that she had wanted to make sure that no one close to her ever got hurt again. And that was why I did it. If I did the things that had to be done, they'd be on my conscience, not anyone else's. They wouldn't suffer so much knowing the things they'd done. The one for the many right? Right? But what thanks did the one get? The reputation of someone cold and hard, friends not even able to meet my eyes? Because when you're the one, you really are the _one_, single, solitary, alone. And that's what I was now, truly and completely. Alone. Because I'd fooled him.

((. . . I'll always be there for you.)), Tobias words rang in my head, mocking me.


	6. It never would be

**A/N: Yes, it's really short. It's a couple hundred words compared to a couple thousand. But I needed this scene, and didn't want to draw away from it by added more things. Think of it as the 2 minute character scene in a movie that really speaks to the rest of the movie. That's what this is. Review, please! It makes my day!**

**Disclaimer: The animorphs aren't mine, etc, etc, etc.**

Chapter 6

It Never Would Be

I didn't sleep much that night. Barely at all actually. I kept playing the scene from the battle over and over in my head, looking for another way for things to have happened. But there wasn't one. I felt dead inside.

I went to Tobias' meadow the next day. Don't ask what me why, maybe I thought that he'd been putting on a show for the others, or maybe that's just what I'd hoped. Maybe I was just plain deluded.

"Tobias? Are you there? Can you hear me?" _Of course he's there stupid, and he's a hawk, how could he not hear you?_ "Tobias, come on, I know you're there."

((It wouldn't be the first time that one of us was ignoring the other now would it?)) He fluttered down and landed on a branch in front of me. _He's not angry,_ I told myself, _it's just the eyes._

"I just want to talk."

((Fine.)) I flinched. This wasn't what I was hoping for.

"Can we walk?" There was a veiled question there – _we _couldn't walk unless we both had legs that were made for walking. He glared at me for a moment, then hopped to the ground and began to morph. I let out a breath I was holding on to tighter than I'd realized. Maybe things would be all right after all. When he was done morphing though, he walked past me, than stopped and turned, waiting for me to follow him.

We walked in silence for a while, before I opened my mouth to say something. When he saw me open my mouth though, he beat me to the speaking part.

"Is anything that you're going to say change what you did yesterday?" Uh-oh.

"I can't change the past Tobias, any more than you can." He seemed to think about this for a moment, then looked at me again.

"Will it change the way any of us see you?" I looked away, my face burning. It was hard to keep down the tears. I swallowed hard before I spoke again.

"I wish I could change that Tobias, I really do." I looked him in the eyes again. "What I did – it had to be done. There wasn't another way." I was staring at him now, begging him to believe me, to see it, to be there for me. Now he was the one who looked away.

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Rachel." What? He faced me again. "I can't keep trying to justify the things you do – not to myself, or to the others. I can't keep moving the line back to where you haven't crossed it. There's something dark in you Rachel. You crossed a line this time; I have to admit that. What you did was wrong, and I can't keep telling you, or myself, that it wasn't." What? What, what, what, what WHAT? Please, oh please, please, no. "I need to stop seeing you, at least on the level that we've been doing. You're not the person I've been pretending you are. It's time for us both to acknowledge that."

Deep breaths Rachel, deep breaths. I felt like someone had just torn a hole in my chest, like I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone had just told me that my mother had drowned my cat when I was four, or that she was secretly a serial killer. The world had suddenly stopped making sense. It was like everything was black and white and upside down, and everything that had been solid about my life had melted beneath my feet. Like I'd gone deaf and dumb, but not blind. I was pretty sure things didn't spin like this when you were blind. I could see everything that was happening, but I had this innate inability to process or comprehend it. And all of this mixed together somehow to sap all of the emotion from the next thing I said, so that it came out sounding flat and emotionless, a statement of fact instead of a question, that portrayed no anger, no pain, no confusion, or anything that those five little words should have been coated with.

"You're breaking up with me." He swallowed hard.

"Yes." Tobias' eyes portrayed a regret, a pain, an inherent sadness he did not want to feel, that he did not feel was right. "I know that this hurts, Rachel, but I really think that - -" I interrupted him.

"It's okay." It wasn't. It never would be. But I understood. And I understood that this was better, for him, no matter how things changed for me. My world was totally different now. It was like I had been plunged into a darkness that I could never, ever make my way out of. And I turned, and walked away, never knowing how I didn't fall down, or float away, as not even the rules of gravity seemed to apply anymore.


	7. breathing

**A/N: Okay, so I said it would be done by September, and it wasn't. I honestly thought it would be, but it turned out this chapter was as hard to do as chapter 5. And really, I'm glad it took this long to get up, because it gave us time to cover 'ignorance is bliss' is philosophy. This chapter was finished at that point, but not up yet. When we covered it in class, I realized that, without my realizing it, that was becoming a theme in this story. So hopefully this makes some kind of sense. If it doesn't, or if it does, let me know by reviewing!**

Chapter 7

Breathing 

I can't really tell you what happened the rest of that day, or the next. Not that there would be much to tell. My life hit a sudden … lifelessness. And I didn't care. I did almost nothing. I woke up, I watched TV, I ate, I slept. Sort of. I didn't really sleep, I didn't really eat. It just didn't feel like it mattered any more.

I didn't really watch TV, the lights and sounds were just easier than the mind-numbing silence. I breathed, I guess. Breathing I could handle. Breathing I could do. So I did almost nothing. I breathed.

Monday I decided I had to go out. It was March Break, so there was no school, but I still felt like I had to go somewhere. I looked like I hadn't slept or eaten in two days, but since I hadn't really I didn't think it mattered. I didn't know where I was planning on going; it was just that staring at the same four walls and the same ceiling for two days was starting to get to me.

So I walked. I walked and I walked and I walked, until it felt like I could walk off the edge of the world. I walked and I breathed. I couldn't tell you where I went if I tried. I felt if I just walked enough, I would get _somewhere_. Somewhere had to be better than here. Here was simply nowhere. I was nowhere. I was nothing. I felt like someone had stolen my soul and I wasn't anywhere anymore. The shell that used to hold me still existed, and it was what walked. What almost slept, what almost ate. What breathed.

So the thing that had once been Rachel stared at the ground and walked. And breathed. Until it walked into something. Or, more precisely, someone.

Thrown back into the present, I looked up at the person standing over me; it took me a moment to register that I had fallen down. It took me another moment to realize that the person was Marco.

He looked as surprised as my mind was trying to tell me I felt, though I'm sure I wasn't even showing recognition at that point. Finally, I summoned the effort to say something.

"What are you doing here?" Marco looked back at me, still surprised.

"I kind of sort of thought I lived here. That sort of is my house." He motioned a couple of houses behind him. I was silent for a minute as I looked around and registered where I was.

"Oh."

Marco reached down and offered me a hand up; I was still sitting on the ground. Marco pulled me up, and finally got a good look at me.

"Geez Rachel, you look like hell." I shrugged, I just didn't care. I turned around and continued walking, but Marco fell into step beside me. "So maybe I should ask you what you're doing here." I shrugged again.

"I don't know." It was the simple truth. He started walking backwards in front of me, so he could look at me. I was looking at the ground again, not at him.

"Now the idea that you're surprised to see me tells me that you didn't actually know where you were. And the fact that you're you tells me that you probably wouldn't be here in the first place, because you'd never come to see me. Which leaves me with absolutely no clue as to why or how you're here."

He was waiting for my retort, I could tell. He was waiting to hear something along the lines of: 'like you ever have a clue at all Marco', but I just didn't care. But his waiting for the joke sent me back to Thursday; with Cassie waiting for me to tell her I hadn't actually forgotten my birthday. And this déjà vu sent my mind rocketing through everything that had happened since then, ending with the battle, with Tobias breaking up with me, and the non-existence that it seemed a cruel joke to even associate with the idea of life, but that was what my life was now. And I started to cry.

I had actually not cried, the last couple of days. Despite losing Tobias, despite crossing the furthest, most solid line that we had drawn in our fragile, war-torn lives, I had not cried. I had been pushed so far past showing any physical emotion that I had not actually shed a single tear. Until now. Now there were tears running down my face, just coming and coming and coming.

Marco, who had started to look nervous, waiting for my retort, now looked absolutely terrified. He tried to give me a weak smile, but didn't really pull it off.

"Come on, I know it wasn't a joke, but I didn't say anything that bad did I?" I couldn't say anything; the tears just kept rolling down my face. "What, did you actually come to see me? I didn't mean that you'd _never_ come to see me exactly, I uh, just …" he trailed off. He had no idea what to say. Finally, he slung his arm around my shoulders and turned me around. "You don't really want to walk around like this, do you? Come on, we'll get you sorted out."

We walked back toward his house; we were still on his street. "Here, come on." He unlocked the door and pushed it open and waved me in. He showed me into the living room and sat me down on the couch. He disappeared for a minute and returned with a glass of water and a box of Kleenex. "Uh…here." He passed me the box of Kleenex. I blew my nose and sniffled. I took another Kleenex and wiped my eyes. Marco stared at me.

"You're really not okay, are you." I breathed in heavily to stop crying. _Just breathe, Rachel. Breathing you can do. Breathing you can handle._ I said nothing, but I was so tired of all the lies and the tangled web of everything that had happened that I desperately wanted to say no. So I shook my head, just a tiny bit at first, almost imperceptibly, and I could have stopped there, but I didn't. I shook my head more and more vigorously; the tears back stronger than ever. I was sobbing loudly now, like a child. I clutched at my head, tried to wipe some of the tears from my eyes. And finally, I did say it, forcefully, tear choked, it burst out of me.

"NO!" I breathed in deeply. And then, quieter, barely a whisper, I said it again: "no. No. I'm not okay." And I sat, and I hugged my self, and I sobbed, saying it over and over again, quieter, if that was at all possible. "No … no … not okay … not okay … no …"

Marco, still with nothing to say, passed me the Kleenex again, and I tried to compose my self. After I had settled down a bit, Marco handed me the glass of water.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." He sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of me. "You're really screwed up over …" he gestured with his hand not saying what we both knew he was talking about.

I looked at him over the top of my glass. "It's better if you think I'm not. Easier, really." I had had my outburst. I was past lying now, I felt like I never wanted to tell anything but the simple truth ever again, but I didn't need to drag anyone down with me. Marco nodded.

"Yeah. But see, I get it." I looked up at him, unsure of what he meant. He spoke slowly. "I'm not … reckless, exactly. I never have been. It's just … you know me." He gestured around. "I get it. Straight line. The path between A and B. The easiest way. Not the easiest in some ways, but, you know … it may not be the best way, the most … moral way, but sometimes, it's the only way." He looked me in the eyes now, and I began to realize what he was saying, and I knew what was coming. And I knew how badly he did not want to say this, that he did not want to understand this to be able to voice it, but still, he was saying it anyway.

"He had to die Rach. There was no way around it. He could not walk out of there knowing what he knew. It was the straightest path." I looked at him, accepting what he had to say. That maybe, just maybe, I wasn't alone in this.

But there was more than knowing that what had been done had to be done. There always was. And deep down I think he knew that, but was not ready to accept that he knew that. It was hard, for him, for all of them, to understand, to accept what we did. Lines we knew had to be crossed. Deeds we knew had to be done. Events that we knew must happen, that were demanded by the very definition of our lives as they stood. Things that, as much as we wanted, to not happen. Things we felt were inherently wrong. Accepting, even acknowledging these things, went against everything in our nature. Denial was so much easier for them. Ignorance is bliss. But it would not protect them, not forever.

"But that's not what really matters here, is it Marco? Yeah, you saw the straight line, but you didn't act on it. Only I did, Marco. If I hadn't done it, would you have? Would Jake, Cassie, Ax? T- "I faltered saying his name. "Tobias?"

He looked in my eyes for a moment, but then, of course, he looked away, as I knew he would, his silence giving me his answer. He had acknowledged what needed to be done, had even somewhat accepted it. But he still could not act on it. I smiled weakly.

"And there in lies the rub." I stood up and put the glass down beside him. "Thanks for the water." I walked to the door. Marco was still staring into the floor, as if the answer to all of this lay somewhere between the sofa leg and his left foot, buried in grey carpet fibres. "Don't torture yourself Marco. It's like with David, remember? It doesn't bother me as much." So it was a lie. It had been a lie then and it was a lie now, and it would always and forever be a lie. As much as I wanted to tell the simple truth, I was beginning to realize the truth here wasn't simple. And lying, which was defined really, by denial, was just so much easier. Bliss, in not knowing, or pretending not to know, the truth.

I walked out and closed the door behind me, and walked down the street, not thinking about what had happened, where to go from here, not doing anything more complex than putting one foot in front of the other, and breathing. Breathing I could handle. Breathing I could do.


	8. whatever happened to us?

A/N: Yes, it took me another two months to update. Oh well, at least it wasn't six. I'm not promising anything but I am tentatively suggesting this will be finished by New Year's. But there is no guarantee. Most of the next chapter is already written though, so that's good.

On another bad note, I've stopped receiving any and all emails from This includes review alerts, story alerts, posting confirmations and PMs. Is this just me or is it everyone? I apologize if I haven't responded to a PM, I just haven't received it. If you do want to get it touch with me, please email me directly. See my profile page for the email.

Oh, right, DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything related in any way to the Animorphs Series by KA Applegate.

**Important****: I've noticed (according to my hits break down) that several of you skipped chapter 5. I think this is because I posted 5 and 6 at the same time. This is a very very bad thing, because chapter 5 is integral and you are probably very confused if you missed it. Please go back and read it.**

Chapter 8

Whatever Happened to Us?

Marco 

It was the next morning when I rode my bike to Cassie's farm. I wasn't sure what I was going to tell her, but I couldn't keep Rachel's visit to myself. Her visit had shaken me badly, and I knew Rachel wasn't going to make it on her own much longer.

Cassie looked surprised to see me when I walked into the barn. I didn't blame her, I wasn't sure I had ever shown up there alone before. And I knew none of us had really seen each other since the last battle. Cassie waited for me to speak.

"I ran into Rachel yesterday. Actually she ran into me, but you know. Same dif." Cassie's eyebrows went up.

"How was she?" I took a deep breath and let it out. This was not going to be easy.

"Um … she's um … not doing to good." I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand, unsure of how to continue. Cassie stared at me expectantly. I let it out in a rush. "When I said she ran into me, I meant literally. I don't think she even realized it was me at first. She definitely hadn't noticed she was on my street. She asked me what I was doing there. She was really weird, like not there. She looked like hell. I stated joking around with her, you know, kinda hoping she'd joke back. And she didn't and then, all of a sudden, she starts crying." Now Cassie really looked surprised.

"She was crying? In front of you?" I nodded.

"Yeah, so I was seriously freaked out. I mean I had no idea what to do, she's just like standing there on the sidewalk bawling her eyes out." And I continued to tell Cassie what had happened. I told her about Rachel crying and screaming, and told her that Rachel was really not all right. Totally not okay. At that point in the story Cassie practically had her jaw on the floor.

Then I told her about our conversation. And I told Cassie what, deep down, she already knew. "It had to be done. We all knew that Cassie. She was just the one who did it, that's all." Cassie looked away, knowing I was right. "She didn't want to do it Cassie. I think she wanted anyone to do it but her. But for some reason she felt she had to.

"And I'll tell you another thing Cassie. Even though we'll all say we couldn't have done what she did. I've done a lot of thinking since she asked me that and I think one of us would have. If Rachel had been too … injured, or unconscious, or something, one of us would have had to do it. We'll all say it's not true, but if she hadn't, one of us would have. I don't know who, but one of us."

Cassie looked away again, tears in her eyes. Was this just the effect I had on girls lately? And then she said something I had not expected to hear.

"I know." She look at me again, stared straight into my eyes, and I could see the pain and sadness that came with that verbal acknowledgment mixing with tears in her eyes. "I know."

* * *

Rachel 

It was the afternoon two days after I had seen Marco that Cassie showed up. Though I was surprised to see her, I didn't say so. She sat on my bed and I lay there, not looking at her. Finally, she spoke.

"Marco came to see me yesterday. Said he'd run into you." It was more the opposite, but again, I said nothing. "He said you were pretty screwed up." An understatement. "Rachel." I turned to look at her, in all my screwed-up-sleepless-nights-unwashed-hair-tear-stained-cheeks glory. Cassie struggled to keep the look of shock from her face, but came nowhere close to succeeding.

She had never seen me like this. None of them had ever seen me this bad. I was Rachel. I was beautiful. I was strong. I wanted the war. I loved the violence. That was how Rachel was supposed to be. Not like this. But it was this that was the real me. And though I had kept me hidden for so long, Cassie finally saw the truth. And knew that this was partly their fault. And the tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke:

"My God, what did we do to you?"

And I stared at her and started crying too.

It was a long while before either of us had calmed down enough to speak. Cassie spoke first.

"I'm so sorry." And she was. "This …" she gestured at me "this isn't just about … the battle … This is everything, isn't it." It wasn't a question. I nodded. "How could you … and not tell us?"

"It was easier. For you. For all of you. If you didn't know …it didn't hurt you."

"Oh Rachel." She hugged me. "This shouldn't have to be all on you." And it couldn't be now. Now that Cassie knew what it did to me, she wasn't safe anymore. It would haunt her too.

"I tried to keep all of you safe. I didn't want you to get hurt … they always get hurt …" Everyone. Everyone close to me got hurt. Divorced parents. One on the other side of the country. Both workaholics. Sisters who barely even remembered … him. Him who we never talked about. Then there were the Animorphs. Jake, our leader, who made decisions no one should ever have to make. Marco, whose own mother was slave to the leader of the Yeerk Invasion. Cassie, the moral one in our group, whose forced actions tore apart everything she believed was right. Ax, countless miles from home, who had lost his brother to the war. And Tobias. Who'd lost his father and mother, who'd lived between two abusive guardians for most of his life. Who was trapped in a body not his own. Yes, they all got hurt. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep you all safe." Cassie gripped my hand.

"Rachel, honey, that's not your job. We all do our best just to keep ourselves okay. It's too much to try to keep everyone else's conscience clean. That can't be done in the life we live." I nodded. Maybe, just maybe she was right. "How could you ever think that you had to protect all of us?"

I knew why. I'd screwed up once, and that had led to so many people getting hurt that I went out of my way to make sure it never happened again. And I wasn't ready to forgive myself just yet. I swallowed.

"I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet." Cassie nodded.

"If you're ever ready … " I nodded. Cassie took in my appearance again. "Hey, let's get you cleaned up. That's enough serious talk for right now."

I nodded, got up and went to my bathroom. Cassie followed and leaned against the doorframe while I washed my face. "Hey, why don't we go to the mall? Shopping always gives you a nice happy glow. And I'm guessing you haven't eaten in a while." For the first time in days, I almost smiled.

"You must really be sorry if you're offering going shopping with me." Cassie smiled.

"Well, since you oh so subtly coerced Jake into asking me to the dance, I guess I need a dress." Ouch. The dance. I guess I'd gotten out of going anyway. "Do you already have yours?" I didn't look at her while I attempted to brush out the knots in my hair. "Rachel?"

"Um … I don't think I'm going to the dance." Cassie looked surprised.

"Even after Tobias asked you? You should go Rachel, it would be good for you." I was going to have to tell her.

"Tobias and I are sort of … not together anymore." Cassie eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"You're not serious?" I nodded. "But … what? When?" I shook my head.

"It's not important right now. We'll survive." Cassie let it go. "Hey I think I'll get my hair cut at the mall. It's way too long." Cassie nodded.

I did get my hair cut. Nice and short, lots of layers. It felt free. Although shopping wasn't as wonderful as it normally was, I was beginning to feel a glimmer of hope. We stopped in the food court to get lunch. We still needed to get Cassie a dress, but I think she was avoiding it. Of course lunch brought up other conversations.

"So what happened with you and Tobias?" I sighed and put down my fork.

"You saw his reaction after the battle. I'm not his Rachel anymore." I shrugged. "He couldn't keep pretending I was."

"Rachel …"

"It's okay." It was still a lie. Cassie grabbed my hands and looked me in the eye.

"No, it isn't. You love him Rachel. Don't tell me you don't." She let go of my hands and sat back. "This has to be tearing you apart." I let out a long breath, tears welling up in my eyes. I nodded. "You have to tell him Rachel. This isn't really the way he thinks it is. It isn't the way any of us thought it was." She looked me in the eye again. "Stop protecting him Rachel, he doesn't need to be protected from you." But I shook my head.

"I don't think it works like that. He doesn't see things as well as you do Cassie. I fooled him this time. And I'm not sure how to show him otherwise." Cassie looked at me for a moment, considering.

"Tell him why." I looked at her, questioning. "I know you said you're not ready to tell me yet, but don't you think that maybe you could tell him?" I was silent for a moment thinking. Could I? I had never told anyone, outside of those who already knew. That was a different world for me. I wasn't sure I could bring it into this one.

"Maybe."

As predicted, Cassie said we didn't have to go dress shopping. She said she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

"I'll get one on my own. Or I'll just wear one of my old ones or something." At this I actually did smile.

"Cassie. I can count on one hand the number of 'old ones' you have, most of which were bought for dances, so Jake's already seen them. And I shudder to think of the dress you pick on you own. You don't even know which store to go to to get one." Cassie blushed; it was true after all. She opened her mouth to further protest, but I interrupted. "Let me do this Cassie. I can do this. I like doing this." Cassie gave in.

It was still a couple of hours before we found the right dress, and accessories. We were at the third and final store when Cassie suggested I get a dress 'just in case'.

"You never know. The dance is on Friday, it's only Wednesday now."

"I really don't think it's going to happen, Cassie." She gave me a pleading look.

"You could always just come on your own. I know it's not the same thing, but come on. Who's going to force me and Jake to dance together when we're awkwardly standing on the sidelines?" It was true, that was normally my job. I told myself I'd need a dress sometime in the future, and mostly to please Cassie, I bought a dress.

We passed Jake when we were leaving the mall. He glanced at me, but didn't make eye contact. I told Cassie to go talk to him, I'd get home okay, besides, I had some thinking to do. I looked back and saw them talking in hushed voices, and I knew she was telling him.

I walked home, and hung my dress in the closet. Then I lay on my bed and wondered if I should take Cassie's advice. If I could really tell him.

* * *

Jake 

I was surprised to see Cassie with Rachel. We had all sort of been ignoring Rachel since the last battle, Cassie included. Yet here they were going shopping together. I didn't make eye contact with Rachel. I still could not face what she had done. Cassie came over to talk to me when Rachel left.

"Hi Jake."

"Hey. Um …" I wasn't sure how to ask what I wanted to ask, but of course, Cassie knew.

"What am I doing with Rachel?" I nodded. She sighed. "We need to talk Jake. We started walking, nowhere in particular. "Rachel's … she's been in a bad way." She sighed again. I could tell this was difficult for her to say. "Jake … I know you were the one to try to stop her, but … that was a reflex. What she did … it had to be done."

Whoa. I was surprised to be hearing this, from Cassie of all people. Although I had been thinking much along the same lines the past days, Cassie was the last person I expected to agree with me.

"It's not that I condone what she did Jake, it's just … she was trying to protect us. It had to be done, in the end. If not her than one of us. She tried to save us from that. She's always tried to save us from that." And with that last sentence I started to realize that Cassie was getting at more than just the last battle.

Cassie continued to explain. She told me what Marco told her, about Rachel's visit, about what he had realized. She told me that she had already known. She explained how they had ended up here, what she had found when she went to Rachel's that morning.

And I finally began to realize that there was so much more to Rachel than even we realized. And I hated myself for it. Rachel was the one we sent to do our dirty work. The one _I_ sent to do the dirty work. I had known what she would do. David had proved that. I just never accepted, maybe even denied, what it would do to her.

"There is no fault here Jake." I looked down at Cassie. Somehow, she always knew what I was thinking. "You can't blame yourself. All of us knew, somehow, or at least doubted sometimes. We reacted exactly how Rachel planned for us to. She did the dirty work. Our consciences weren't as guilty." I nodded.

"Whatever happened to us Cassie? Whatever happened to all of us?"


	9. not your fault

Disclaimer: I don't own the Animorphs, you should probably know this by now.

I had decided to tell Tobias. Cassie was right. He deserved to know. I just wasn't sure how I was going to tell him. I knew he didn't want to talk to me, and I didn't want to ask one of the others to interfere. There was no way he was going to show up at my house, so, Thursday evening, I set out for his meadow.

It was a long walk there, but I needed the time to think anyway. I vaguely wondered if one of the others – Cassie or Marco or Jake – had already spoken to Tobias. I hoped not.

When I reached Tobias' meadow, he was nowhere in sight. I flashed back to the last time I had come to his meadow wanting to talk, to explain. I hoped that things would work out better this time.

I decided not to call out for him. Begging him to listen to me wasn't going to work. He wouldn't listen to me unless he wanted to. So I sat down under a tree and waited.

It felt like a long time that I sat there. In reality it was probably only about an hour or so. It was at that point that Tobias landed in front of me. I should have been startled, maybe that's what he was intending, but in my state I still wasn't reacting to much. His thought-speak was cold when it came.

((Why are you here?)) I answered slowly.

"To explain." Tobias seemed impatient.

((We talked about this already, Rachel. There's nothing you can say that will change anything.)) I hoped that he was wrong. I desperately hoped that what I was going to tell him would change the way things were now, but even if they didn't I knew I still had to tell him.

"I don't know that what I tell you will change things Tobias. I want it to. But it might not. Will you just give me that chance?" Tobias was silent. I tensed, waiting for him to take off. But he didn't. Instead he morphed human. I took this as his consent. I relaxed a hair and began to talk.

"I've already told you that it had to be done Tobias. And I think you know that, even if you don't want to believe it. That's not the issue here. But I … I need to tell you why I was the one who did it." I paused. After keeping this secret for so long, it was hard to say it so plainly, even though I'd already talked about it with Cassie. "I was trying to …" _You have to say it Rachel._ "I did it so you wouldn't have to. So none of you would have to live with making the decision to kill another free human being in order to keep our secret." The words felt harsh in my mouth. Tobias wasn't showing any reaction, but I thought maybe I saw his eyes get a little bigger. "If I'm the one who does the dirty work, then everyone else's conscience is a little cleaner. It's easier for you to live with yourself if you don't have to the worst of what we do."

Tobias searched my eyes, looking for something that would tell him I was lying, so that he wouldn't have to acknowledge the truth in my words. But there was no lie in my eyes. Tobias looked away. We were silent for a few moments. To my surprise, I realized Tobias was trying to hold back tears. He turned his head back to look at me with pain in his eyes.

"Rachel … Rachel how could you not tell me?" There were tears on his face now, and it pained me to see him cry. I had tried for so long to keep him safe. And this is what I told him.

"Because … because then you were safe. If you knew … you would have stopped me. I couldn't tell you … you'd have … you would have had to do the things I kept you from doing. You would have … you would have broken." Like me.

"Rachel," He reached out to cup my face with his hand. "I am broken. I always have been. We're all broken." And I cried because I knew it was true. He moved to sit beside me and held me.

It was a little while later, once I had stopped crying that he spoke again. "Why?" It turned to look at him. "Why did you try to keep us safe? What could have possibly made you think that was your responsibility?" I took a deep breath. This is what I had yet to tell any of the others.

"I can show you. But we need to go back to my room."

So we did. We flew this time, and Tobias morphed back to human once we got there. He sat on my bed, and I went to my closet. After I handed him his clothes, I pulled the photo album down from the shelf. It was this that had started everything this past week. It was then that I noticed the slip of paper on the floor; it must have fallen out when I'd originally found the album. It was a newspaper clipping. I put it in the back of the album and hugged it to my chest. I had an idea. It scared me, but I needed to do it. I turned back to Tobias.

"Can you go somewhere with me?"

"Where?"

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time."

We got on a bus, luckily there was one leaving almost right away. The town really wasn't that far away, we were there in less than two hours. But somehow this was the first time I'd been back. Tobias demorphed and remorphed once we'd got there. We walked out of the bus station, and I turned right, instinctively. Tobias didn't say anything, just followed.

I stopped when we got to the street. Tobias almost ran into me. He looked at me. "Where are we?" I didn't say anything. I just took his hand and turned down the street. We stopped near the end of it.

It was a nice house; it had been well kept up since we'd moved. It was empty now though, and there was a for sale sign on the lawn. It was white, with a big enough yard, and a lot of big windows. I stared for what seemed like a long time. I could almost see me, five years younger, running through the yard.

"Rachel?" Tobias shook me out of my stupor. He had a questioning look on his face. "What are we doing here?"

"I used to live here." Tobias looked surprised.

"You did?" I nodded.

"Yeah, back before my parents were divorced. We loved this house."

"Why did you move?"

I smiled sadly, but didn't answer. I pointed. "That was our room there, in the attic. It was yellow. My mom caught us drawing daisies on the wall one day when we were little. She tried to be mad, but she kept laughing. She just let them stay there; we even painted them in. It was beautiful."

"'Our room'? Yours and your sisters'? The house looks big enough that you wouldn't have to share" I shook my head.

"Sarah and Jordan shared a room on the second floor."

"Then who . . . " Tobias trailed off.

"It wasn't mine and theirs, it was . . . " I bit my lip, and took a deep breath. "It was mine and . . . Adrian's."

"Adrian?" I nodded, tears welling in my eyes. "Who's Adrian?" I took a deep breath again, and turned away, pulling Tobias with me.

"You'll see."

This was a bit of a further walk. I think Tobias was worried about the time limit, but he didn't say anything. We walked past a McDonalds, and I told him to demorph, I'd wait. He nodded and left. I sat down outside on one of the benches. It hurt, being here again, but I needed to do it. And Tobias deserved to know the truth.

Tobias came back a little while later, human again. "Thanks for doing this" I said. I knew this was his third human morph that night. "It means a lot to me." He nodded, and I got up so we could keep walking. We talked as we walked.

"How long did you guys live here?"

"My whole life practically. I was born here. Then five years ago we moved to where we are now."

"Was that when your parents got divorced?" I nodded, taking deep breaths again.

"That's not really why we moved though." Tobias looked puzzled, but didn't say anything.

I had to stop when we reached our destination. I closed my eyes. _Deep breaths Rachel. You need to do this. _

"What are we doing at the grave yard?" Tobias asked, but I think he already knew.

The gate wasn't locked, I guess because there weren't famous important people buried there or something. But there was someone important to me.

"Are you sure you want to do this Rachel?" Tobias could tell that this was difficult for me. I nodded and squeezed his hand.

"Yes."

It took a while to find the one I was looking for. I'd had no problem finding my way through the rest of the city, but I'd only been inside the cemetery a couple of times. But at last I found it.

There were no flowers like there were on the other graves. No one had visited this grave in a long time. Actually I wasn't sure anyone ever had after the funeral. Tears welled up in my eyes again, I tried to read the inscription, but I couldn't. So Tobias read it for me.

"Here lies Adrian , dead far too young, at the age of 11. To be missed by a mother, father, and three sisters. March 17, 1993."

I bit my lip to hold back tears, but they came anyways, and I broke down finally, falling to my knees in the damp grass. The photo album I'd been clutching tumbled to the ground. Tobias followed me down, and held my head as I sobbed, and told him my story.

"He was my brother," I managed to get out in spite of the sobs I was letting loose. "He was only a year older than me. We even had the same . . . birthday. We did . . . everything together. Until that year. I . . . I didn't want to go to camp that time. So he . . . went by himself. It was the first time that we'd . . . that we'd ever . . . ever really been apart. And he never . . . he never came back. There was, . . . an accident. He died." Yes, he had died. He had died and it had changed everything. I could barely breathe now, but I needed to keep talking.

"My parents couldn't handle it. Fifty percent of couples that lose a child get divorced. That's what they told us. They thought that that made it right somehow. We moved out before they even filed for divorce though." I smiled sadly. "My parents argued a lot, but they both agreed that they had to get out of that house. My mom wouldn't even come into our room." I bit my lip. "So we buried Adrian. We packed up, we moved away, my parents got divorced, and we never talked about any of it again." I slumped, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I know it sounds corny, but that's exactly how I felt. But I still had one more thing to say.

"It was my fault he died." Silence. Tobias still had his arms wrapped around me. I looked up at him, but he still kept staring straight ahead.

"Why?" That was it, just 'why?', not 'why do you think it was your fault?', not 'it couldn't have been your fault', just 'why?'.

"Like I said, I didn't want to go to camp that year. It was a tradition, Adrian and I always went to camp on the break. Our birthday was always the week before, or on the Saturday of." Tobias nodded now, he understood now, what had been bothering me about my birthday. "I decided I didn't want to go that year. I wanted to have a birthday party that weekend with my friends, not my brother. So I didn't go, and he died." I was choking on tears again now. "If . . . if I had been there. We would have been together. . ." I couldn't say anymore.

"You don't know that you could have saved him."

"I could have tried." _Could have, should have. _"I could have tried, Tobias. If I had been there . . ." I cut off, choking back sobs again.

"But you weren't." Tobias turned to face me, looking me in the eyes. "You weren't there Rachel, you didn't know, you couldn't have known. It wasn't your fault."

And those four words meant more to me than anything had in a long time. 'It wasn't your fault.' I didn't think anyone had actually said them to me, even when Adrian first died. I was a ten-year-old girl who had blamed herself for the death of her brother, and no one had told me otherwise. "You know I don't think anyone's said that to me before?" I told Tobias.

"I remember telling my mother once that it had been my fault. We were alone, in the kitchen, shortly after he died. She was packing boxes. She was folding paper around the dishes, and one of them had the article in it, _'Local boy killed in camp accident'_. She froze so still, Tobias. She looked like she was going to crumble, like literally, like the weight pushing down on her was to much, and she was just going to fall apart into little pieces. I was sitting at the table. She looked at me, and I looked in her eyes, and I said, 'it's my fault'. And she stared at me, Tobias, like she didn't know exactly who I was. Then she left the room, quickly, like she couldn't be in there with me. She never told me it wasn't my fault. No one did."

I picked the album up off the ground, and pulled the newspaper clipping out. It was slightly crumpled from being used as packing five years ago. I handed it to Tobias, who scanned it. He put the paper down and took the album from me.

"This is him?" he didn't really need to ask. We had looked so much alike. People often mistook us for twins, especially since we shared a birthday. Tobias flipped through the album, from pictures of Adrian and me as babies right up until the day he left for camp, alone. It was the last picture I had of him, waving as he climbed onto a bus, not knowing he was never coming back. Tobias closed the album. He petted my hair. "So that's why." It was a statement, not a question. He understood now, understood that I had blamed myself for the hurt that had happened to those around me, and that I had tried to make up for that by making sure that no that was close to me now would get hurt. "You were broken too."

"Yes". Yes, I had been broken too, when we first met. The others had all been broken by the war, but Tobias and I had already been broken when the war had started.

"It's not you fault Rachel." And for the first time I felt that that was true.

**A/N: ta-da! Now you know her secret. I'm sorry this took so long to get out, I was in a musical, which took all of my time, and I've really been focusing on school lately. This isn't the end, there's one, maybe two (probably one) chapters left. Also: changing my email means that I now get emails from fanfiction again, and am struck with sudden joy when I get them. (This means you should review) yay! It's almost done! Yay!**


	10. ending

**Disclaimer: They're not mine!!**

Chapter 9

It was Friday, finally. I was at Cassie's helping her get ready for the dance. I had gotten home late last night and I had slept into the afternoon when Cassie called. I had explained to her parts of what had happened last night. And I told her the story about Adrian. Now that I had told Tobias, I felt like I could tell anyone. We talked about it as I helped her get ready.

"How come Jake never mentioned Adrian?" I brushed some blush onto her cheeks. Cassie was sitting with her eyes closed while I did her makeup.

"We weren't terribly close before I moved here. And it was generally accepted that if my family wasn't going to talk about Adrian after … after he died, then my extended family wouldn't either. And, well, Jake has a lot on his mind these days. He likely didn't remember that this was when Adrian died, and I've never made an issue of it before." I finished Cassie's makeup, and pinned a couple of curls back from her face. "Ta-da." Cassie opened her eyes and looked in the mirror.

"Thanks Rachel; you're a miracle worker." I smiled. Cassie stood up and took my hands. "You're sure you won't come?" I shook my head. Tobias and I had worked things out, we were actually closer than we'd been before, but my reasons for not going to the dance still held true. I was sick of pretending, and I didn't want to play at normalcy by going to the dance with Tobias. Cassie looked sad, but she still smiled.

"If you change your mind …" I nodded, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. Cassie changed into her dress and I zipped it for her. I smiled.

"You look great, Cassie. Jake won't be able to keep his eyes off you." She blushed, and I smiled wider. "I should get going. Have fun tonight. And don't worry about me, I'm okay now."

I walked down the stairs and out the front door. Jake was coming up the driveway. He waved to me. "Hey." I waved back.

"Hey." He looked nervous.

"Are you … are you okay?" I nodded slowly.

"I am. Now. Cassie can tell you more. And you might want to let Marco know; I think I freaked him out pretty badly the other day." Jake nodded, and took in my appearance.

"You're not coming to the dance." I shook my head. "Are you and Tobias still …" he drifted off, not wanting to say the words. I shook my head again.

"No, we're okay now. It's just not something I want to do tonight." Jake nodded. He glanced towards the house, but hesitated to leave. I gave him a reassuring smile. "Go on, 'Prince Jake'; your Cinderella's waiting for you." Jake smiled, and walked up to the door.

I was almost home when my cell rang. It was Jordan. She and Sarah had gotten back this morning, a day late due to inclement travelling weather. What she said definitely surprised me.

"Rachel, there's this boy here, he says he's your date for that dance you said you weren't going to."

"Um …" I had no idea what to say. Could it actually be Tobias? Or just some guy from school? Believe it or not, the latter had happened before. The former hadn't. It took me a second to recover. "What's his name?"

"He said his name's Tobias. You want me to send him away?" Like I said, Jordan was used to this sort of situation. But Tobias did not interact with the rest of my family. So there was no way this could be him, right? It was taking me way too long to process this possibility. "Rachel?" Jordan's voice interrupted my thought process.

"Um … no. Uh, wait. What's he look like?"

"Um, he's a couple inches taller than you, blonde hair; sandier than yours, green eyes, and that's not a bad suit. He's pretty cute. Hey, if you don't want him I'll take him." Says my twelve-year-old sister who just came home from Girl Scout camp. But there was no question; she was definitely describing Tobias.

"Uh, no that's alright. Uh … give him the phone." What on Earth was I going to say to him?

"Hello?" The voice sounded cautious. Yes, it was definitely Tobias, and it had definitely been a while since he had used a phone.

"Tobias?"

"Yeah, it's me." I paused.

"What are you doing?" We had talked about this, last night. He knew I had had no intentions of going.

"I'm taking you to the dance." We had talked about it, I hadn't imagined it, I was sure.

"But I don't want to go."

"We'll talk when you get here." He hung up. _What is he doing?_ I wondered. I urged the bus to go faster.

When I got home, I practically ran in the door. And there was Tobias sitting on a chair in my kitchen, attempting to look calm and cool, but, being Tobias, not really pulling it off. I could see Jordan peeking at him from the living room. She was right; the suit did look good. He got up to greet me. I put my hands on my hips. "What do you think you're doing?" He smiled slowly.

"Like I said; I'm taking you to the dance." I scowled at him, but it wasn't easy with him wearing that suit. I looked over his shoulder – Jordan was still peeking at us. I pulled him into the front hall. I spoke in a whisper so we wouldn't be overheard.

"And I told you I didn't want to go. Where'd you get that suit anyway?" Tobias gave me a look.

"It's a rental. You see a lot of cash on the ground with a hawk's view. But that's not even what we're talking about. Rachel. You don't have to hide." His look softened. "I know we're not normal. I know that maybe we never will be. And I'm not asking you to pretend that we are. Just be you for a few hours, and let me worry about me. I love you Rachel, let me protect you for once." I blinked. Then I hugged him, hard.

"That's the first time you've ever told me that." I kissed him, just below his ear. "I love you too."

Tobias pulled me away from him a little. "Good. Now go get ready." I sighed. Tobias' eyes brightened. "I have an idea. It's sort of a compromise. Go get ready." I knew at this point he wasn't going to change his mind.

It was the fastest I had probably ever gotten ready for a date in my life. But it still took almost twenty minutes. When I came downstairs, Tobias smiled.

"That's not a dress I've seen before." I sighed again.

"I only bought it to appease Cassie." I said, which was basically true. Tobias smiled again, and took my arm.

When we were close to the rec centre I grew suspicious. I turned to Tobias. "You said this was a compromise. Going to the dance is not a compromise, it's what you wanted." Tobias smiled, and said nothing.

With me still protesting, he led me into the rec centre. But instead of heading for the gym, Tobias turned down a back hallway. He opened a door to a flight of stairs. The next thing I knew, we were on the roof. Tobias took me in his arms.

"See? It's a compromise. We get to dance," he looked up, "we get the sky, and it's definitely not normal." I couldn't help it. I had to smile. Tobias held me close, and we began to sway back and forth. Tobias had left the door open, and the music was loud enough that we could hear it perfectly. And then the song came on.

And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you'd feel me somehow. You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now …

Stopping suddenly, I pulled away. Tobias came closer, concerned. "Rachel?" Then he stopped too, also recognizing the song. Then he pulled me into his arms again. "It's just a song Rachel." And we started dancing again.

And letting Tobias hold me in his arms, I listened to the words.

_And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am._

Tobias did know who I was. Maybe I still wasn't ready to share that with too many people, but it was enough. He was enough. Even though we were both broken, we could keep each other whole. Things would definitely be different now. I could feel us on the brink of descending into a much darker part of the war. But it wasn't all me anymore. The others knew now. And maybe together, just maybe, we could keep each other whole, keep each other sane. And maybe then we'd all be able to survive somehow.

**A/N: So, that's the end! It's probably also the end of my career as a fanfic writer; I just don't have the time any more. If you feel that you really need to read more of my work, check out my oneshot _The End of a Life_ (not in any way related to this story, despite similar titling), and, well, that's all.**


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